Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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