wakey wakey hands off snakey
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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