Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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