He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
