guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
