i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
