My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
