I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
What a dumb baby whore.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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