you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
