you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
40s are totally the cure
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
