Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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