So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
