did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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