If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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