alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
