and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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