Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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