Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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