I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
