Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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