sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
