You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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