is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
