you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
