If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
