your thong is hanging out like whoa
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
