I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
