I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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