please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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