My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i drank out of a bidet.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
