A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
