There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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