Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
