just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
