i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
