i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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