Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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