how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
