i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
