if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
