it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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