plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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