I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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