Umm I'm too high to move.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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