I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
