I think I died a long time ago.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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