I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
