somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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