Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I could make wine with my vomit
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
