The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
